Olympics Tip Sheet: Corruption, Socialist Beaches, or Global Warming?

Everyone is giddy waiting to see who the IOC will pick to host the 2016 Olympics.  The scandal-ridden international body is due to announce around at noon eastern.  Here's a quick tip sheet for those who couldn't care less:

USA - Chicago
As First Lady Michelle told us, this is for the children too fat and too dumb to ride bicycles.  But most of all, it's for the rich, over-privileged children of Barack and Michelle's millionaire slumlord cronies who stand to make millions if the committee is stupid enough to actually select that crime-ridden hell hole.

Odds:   2-1.  We kill and jail terrorists while laughing at global warming, so we have a few strikes against us.  But never underestimate the power of graft, corruption and international bribery.

Japan - Tokyo
Closed and xenophobic, Japan apparently had little to offer besides those little tiny cell phones and mp3 players.  But then their Foreign Minister broke down and cried about how the earth would likely burn up in less that a decade, making 2016 the last Olympics before the death of Gaia.

Odds:  4-1.  Who want to go to expensive, racist Japan?  Anyway, the committee probably saw these desperate histrionics for what they were.  Unless he shoved a pile of cash under the table during his crying jag, Japan is toast.


Brazil - Rio de Janeiro
Vibrant, lefty in a happy and prosperous kind of way, sexy, well-tanned as Berlusconi might say, Brazil is the odds-on favorite.  Anyone who has been there knows that Brazilians are happy, good-looking people, including their children.  There are 13-year old girls on the beach who have no business looking like that, and neither did I, so I forced myself to turn my head...

Odds:  1-1.  This is a goldmine for the perverts and pedophiles who infest self-important seats of international corruption like the IOC.  Throw in some good old-fashioned Latin American bribery (they learned it from Chicago) and Brazil is the clear winner.  

Spain - Madrid
Has anyone seen Spain lately?  Last I heard it was being threatened by terrorists.  Someone should knock on their door and check on them.  They may be dead in there...

HT to Dr Dave at Feed your ADHD for giving me this idea by posting a commentary much funnier than mine.