Saturday Humor

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
     
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth call England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.
 
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, ¨Since Obama became president of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so naturally it's a local call.

Governmentium

This gave me my biggest laugh of the week. A scientific explanation of the chemical element known as Governmentium. For you chemistry majors, it's right next to Bolonium on the periodic table.

Courtesy of Dull Men's Club:

A major research institution (MRI) has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named Governmentium.

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

Government Motors introduces The Obama

To thunderous applause and presidential approval, Government Motors announced its new concept car, The 2010 Obama.

It runs on hot air and broken promises and has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns. The car comes complete with two teleprompters programmed to stream Democratic propaganda, and the transparent canopy reveals the smug satisfaction on the faces of the gullible owners.
Back to Reality: The Studebaker Dictator
Yes, an American car company called Studebaker really did name a model "The Dictator." The Studebaker Dictator, according to Wikipedia, was a popular model from 1927 to 1937, right up there with The President and The Director. When Mussolini bombed Abyssinia in 1935, disillusioned Americans dropped their long and loving admiration for Il Duce. Many though, were still enamored of the strongman concept.

America was panicked because leftist intellectuals had declared capitalism dead, and people were gullible enough to believe them.

The more things change, the more they stay the same...

Props to my brother El Toro for the joke. I don't know where he gets this stuff.

Wikipedia - Studebaker
Reason - Three New Deals
NYT - Bruce McCall
Learning Curve - Abyssinia

Seasons Greetings

To all my Liberal/Progressive Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

To all my Conservative Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

-- Courtesy of an e-mail from my old buddy OD. Feliz Navidad!

I just love those satirical headlines. This one had me rolling:

Bush Warns Against Too Much Government

Politics: A Definition

Sometimes, to understand a concept, it is useful to break the word down and trace its etymological roots. Let's take the word "Politics"

Politics: A word formed from two distinct words. Poli, Greek for many, and tics, the Latin derivative of the blood sucking insect common to North America.

So, from this we get the true definition of Politics: Many bloodsuckers.

I know, it's an old joke, but I thought it was time to dust it off and bring it back. :)

Larry the Cable Guy on Obama

I don't care who you are, now this is funny!

According the Larry the Cable Guy...

Barack Obama, the lead Presidential Democratic Party candidate, is for banning all guns in America He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas , he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!"

Welcome to Detroit

Cousin Silverfiddle sent me this e-mail joke. She thinks it's bi-partisan, but I think it's an allegory fit for all those blue bits on that county-by-county election map. Those blue areas' Democratic leadership has brought them higher unemployment, higher taxes and worsening economic conditions, but the keep voting the same losers in.

Anyway you look at it, this joke makes a good point about the ephemeral quality of election promises.

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... Today you voted.'

Robbie Knievel Tickets

I got this in an e-mail:

I have 4 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) event at the Kentucky Fair and Expo Center this weekend if anybody wants them. He's going to try to jump 5000 Obama supporters with a bulldozer.

Let me know.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA : The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON : When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken had to cross the road because he was not able to find a bridge. Alaskans do not build bridges to nowhere. If he wanted a bridge, he'd have to build it himself.

GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY : Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON : I did not have sex with that chicken...

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES : I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one?

A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words

Political Joke of the Day

This one is courtesy of uncle Silverfiddle:

I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl the other day. I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she replied, 'I want to be President!' Both of her parents are liberal Democrats and were standing right there. So then I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'

She replied, 'I'd give houses to all the homeless people.'

'Wow - what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'You don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where this homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward a new house.'

Since she is only 6, she thought that over for a few seconds. While her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

And I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her folks still aren't talking to me.

Political Joke for the Weekend

Democrat-ran New Orleans floods out, big humanitarian disaster, and Republicans are blamed. Liberal social policies have Democratic-ran California near bankruptcy and overran with illegal aliens and gangs, but they continue to vote Democratic. Michigan is a Democratic state whose economy is in the dumper. Texas, Oklahoma, and Tennessee, just to name a few Republican-dominated states, are enjoying prosperity, but miserable Michigan residents still blame President Bush. I don't understand it.

This joke offers an explanation:

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below...

She shouts to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.0 9 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, 'You must be a Republican!'

'I am,' replies the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answers the balloonist, 'everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me.'

The man smiles and responds, 'You must be a Democrat.'

'I am,' replies the balloonist. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' says the man, 'You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.